mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
