Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
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