He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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