It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
