My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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