I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
are you serious?? is your clit as sensitive as your emotions
i wish
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Randomize
