I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Randomize
