My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
Randomize