Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
