I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
