Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
