Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Randomize
