forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
