I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Come back. Shots need mouths.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
