I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
