Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Randomize
