i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
