Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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