you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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