Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
cat food counts as protein by the way
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Randomize
