You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
