: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
he shaved USA in his pubs
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
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