Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
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