i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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