Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
