Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Randomize
