I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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