My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
Randomize
