Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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