so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
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