Don't you send me to vm
I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
