so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Rumble strips road head = magical
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
