party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
