don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
