3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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