I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Come see our sink grown plant.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
This is the high leading the old right now
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
