Swine flu. Run for my life!
jersey shore drinking game rules must be edited. almost died. how is it possible for a person to say guido that many times
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
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