I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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