His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
