is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize