who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
