You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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