If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
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