i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
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