I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
