my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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