Have fun with your cool freestyling girlfriend!
She can rap better than you any day
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
