having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
