Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
