By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
