whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Randomize
