So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Randomize
