My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
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