She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
