Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
