When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
someone owes me an orgasm
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
