Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
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