I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
