just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
