mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
