I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
