we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Randomize
