haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
