I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
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