dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Randomize
