The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
