Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
