Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
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