i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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