She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Randomize
