do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Randomize
