she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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