i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
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