you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
